cernunnos and ceridwen

 Ceridwen was at home in the Great Wood, swathed in the ethereal fog which concealed her divine realm from the world of men. It was autumn, and the leaves had mostly fallen from the trees, and so she sought out her consort Cernunnos to help with the cleanup. "Cern, you old layabout, get your Stag-headed self in here and help me sweep these woods !" But call out as she might, Cernunnos did not reply. She looked in the family room, and the couch stood empty, the television cold and dark. She looked in the garage, and his car was there, but he was not there tinkering with the parts (which he didn't really understand anyway). She looked out back at the kennel where the hounds of the Wild Hunt lay snoring peacefully, and down by the stream where he liked to lay and smoke his pipe. But she could find him nowhere.

 She went home and called Rhiannon, to see if he had stopped by. After seven rings, when she was just about to hang up, Rhiannon answered at last. "Ceridwen," she began, sounding deeply forlorn, "I'm so sorry. I... He... He just stepped out from the woods, into the road, as I came around the corner, and it was so dark, I didn't see him until... And he just stood there, like a deer in the headlights... I'm so sorry..."

Freya gets some Bling

 Freya, Goddess of beauty, love, and childbirth, was in the market for some serious bling. There was one piece of jewelry she wanted; the necklace Brisings. Brisings was a 'circlet of fluid gold' that would enhance even the most beautiful of goddesses. The only problem with acquiring it was the price. She could afford any gold or silver, but for this special piece, she was required to sleep with each of the four dwarven smiths who created it. Alfrigg, Berling, Dvalin, and Grerr were master goldsmiths of unparalleled skill, and it had been such a long lonely time in their mountain fastness, that no payment of gold was valuable enough. And so, Freya did it. And did it... And did it, and did it again... But she got her necklace. Fortunately the battery in Berling's video camera was dead, so she was spared the shame of the internet...

Before the Black Rite

 Set slew Osiris, and cut his body into thirteen pieces, which he scattered around Egypt, making them very difficult indeed for Isis to find, if she were to rebuild him. After ages of searching, she had finally collected twelve of the pieces; but the thirteenth, the most important, and most delicate, was still at large (no pun intended). What Isis discovered, was how hard it was to ask anyone if they had seen it. "Umm, it's about this big, it's, umm.. Well it's kind of, uhh... I mean, if you've seen one just out on it's own you'd know it, right ?.. Well, if you happen to find a lone, err, Thingy, call me at this number, ok ?" And thus did it take quite some time before Osiris was whole enough for the magical Rite which would see him reborn as Horus the Avenger...

How death came to the world

Unkulunkulu could not decide if men should live forever or die. So he decided to have a race, between Chameleon, and Lizard. (Ignore the fact that Chameleon is a Lizard, ok ?) Unfortunately for us, he chose the slowpoke Chameleon to stand for immortality, and Lizard for death. And if that weren't skewed against us enough, Chameleon found a bush with fermenting berries along the race route, and stopped to have himself a little nip...  So Sorry Humanity, looks like you got the shaft ! 

Gilgamesh and Enkidu

 Needed Sacred Cedar to build a new door for the Gods.  So they went to the Sacred Lumber Yard, but at the lumber counter was the demon-ogre Humbaba. He told them,"Cedar is all in our other location.". So they asked instead for Sacred Hemlock. "All out. Sorry." responded Humbaba. "Ok, how about Sacred Mahogany ?" asked Gilgamesh. "Nope. shipment's due thursday." Enkidu tried asking for Sacred Oak. Humbaba merely shook his head. Brightening, the Ogre-Demon looked up at them and suggested "We do have some partially Sacred Fiberglass pre-made doors. Perhaps the Gods will accept one ?" "Okay, let's see what you've got." said Gilgamesh. Humbaba checked the computer. "Oh sorry, just sold the last one."
 At this, Gilgamesh flew into a rage, and began an epic battle with Humbaba which would be recorded in Epic Poem format, and would be remembered throughout the ages, although with somewhat altered details...

Hades was out walking Cerberus

 And you can imagine, a three headed dog stops to sniff even more frequently than your average domestic hound. After about half an hour, Cerberus was still showing no signs of doing his business, and Hades was getting a little peeved. He tried for a few more minutes, and finally turned back towards home. When he arrived, he tied the Dog outside the Underworld and left him out all night; he just had the whole place recarpeted, and he wasn't chancing a mess...

A guy who lays awake at night pondering the existence of Dog

walks into a bar with a dwarf psychic on the lam.

(yes it's the old 'insomniac agnostic dyslexic' out with the 'small medium at large')

Two from Yoda

Try Not. Do or Do Not. There is no Try.

When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.

Nietzsche Spracht

I still live, I still think: I still have to live, for I still have to think. But apparently I don't have to make any sense. (okay he only said most of that)

Ahura Mazda and Ahriman

 After untold millennnia of struggle of Order versus Chaos, Ahura Mazda decided it was time to conclude the struggle once and for all. He went to Ahriman's home in Elizabeth, New Jersey, where he found him sitting on the front porch, throwing pebbles at passing children.

  "Ahriman, you old coot, I have come to challenge you to the final battle !" Ahriman looked up at his challenger, and without a word, went into the house, and returned with his bowling ball and shoes. "Okay'," he said, "Let's do this thing."    (to be continued)

Amaterasu and the Carp

Carp was weary of swimming. He swam, day and night, with never a respite. So he swam to the surface, and looked up to the Goddess Amaterasu. "Please great Goddess, grant that I should never have to swim again, so long as I live !", he cried out. Amaterasu granted his wish. Carp found himself hauled up into a fisherman's net, headed for shore. Amaterasu leaned down from heaven, and whispered in his ear (or whatever hearing organ Carp have), 'Sorry, Sushi. But you did ask.'

When Coyote tricked Crow

 Coyote wanted the lump of fat that Crow was chewing. He said to Crow 'Oh, great Crow, let me hear your beautiful song, for it is like no other !'. Crow was a bit vain, and so he obliged 'Caaw !' he exclaimed, and the lump of fat fell out, Coyote scooping it up immediately. 'HA ! I have tricked you ! Your song is not beautiful ! And now i have the lump of fat !' Crow didn't seem too upset. He said, 'Poor Coyote, I was really just giving you the fat because i felt guilty for all of the embarassing videos I posted of you on Facebook and Myspace. It was the least I could do.' And Coyote nearly choked on the lump of fat.

"I am Yahweh, that is My name;

 I will not give My glory to another, or my praise to idols."

  Not Clay Aiken, Nor Carrie Underwood, Nor Kris Allen...